Thank You, My Faithful God

Dearest Lord,

I thought You had moved away from me.

I thought You had deserted me,

     leaving me alone to face the dark threats

              of an alien world.

I thought You were done with me,

     that You had had enough of me,

              my pride, my hardheadedness,

              my determination to be in control.

I couldn't find You in the places I looked,

     because I saw only what I wanted to see.

I did not wait and listen for Your Shepherd's voice to call me

     and lead me to You.

I didn't have enough faith in Your love.

I based Your love on my experience with fragile, human love,

              instead of remembering and trusting Jesus’ example

              of unconditional, sacrificial love, an in-spite-of love, 

              which originated with You, Creator God that You are.

But, Gracious, Heavenly Father, now I know…

You were there beside me, in front of me, behind me

     all the time I felt troubled, abandoned and lost.

I just couldn't see You because my eyes were too focused

     on solving my own problems and rescuing myself

     from uncomfortable situations with my own puny, human resources.

I couldn't see You because I was too busy just being busy,

     trying to fix those annoying, bothersome worries of doubt and despair.

Yes, I thought You were ignoring me, Lord,

     but the truth is—it was I who was ignoring You with my busyness,

              my belief and insistence on my own powers and abilities.

I couldn't see You because of my own self-importance and egoism.

Then, in my futile frustration, I panicked and lowered my defenses.

I forgot to call on You;  I left my spiritual armor in my closet.

I went out into a hostile world without the belt of truth around my waist,

     without the breastplate of righteousness across my chest,

     without the shoes from the gospel of peace I needed,

     without my shield of faith, my helmet of salvation, my sword of the Spirit.

Lord, how did I ever think I could withstand attacks from the forces of evil?

     How did I ever think I could be a worthy adversary for Satan himself?

     Without my spiritual armor, I was vulnerable and couldn't prevent

              him from feeding my insecurities, my doubts, my unbelief.

I didn't  rush to You at the first sign of weakness.

I didn't go to You in prayer; nor did I renew my spiritual resources, 
      my spiritual strength by reading and studying Your Holy Word.

I didn't go to my prayer journal to pour out my confessions to You.

But You, O Lord, You did not leave me; I know You will never leave me.

You will always love me, protect me, and lift me up when I come to You.

Still, I must remember that I freely decide whether or not I come to You.

When You made me, You gave me the awesome  gift of free choice;

You gave me the right to decide if I want to surrender my will to Yours,

     and allow You to rule my heart and my life.

Lord, when will I ever learn that I will never have inner peace

     until I let You be the Controller of my life,

      until I study and follow Your Word as my guide,

     until I let the Holy Spirit work within me,

     until I surrender all parts of my being to You?

Thank You for Your patience, Your guidance, Your love.

Teach me to be the person You created me to be;

Teach me to bring glory and honor to Your name in all I do.

I am coming to You, Lord; I am coming to You. 
I give You my life, and I will be Your child and do Your Will.

                                                                        In Christ’s name, I pray.